Celebrating Baby's First Birthday

Tomorrow marks my baby's first birthday.  As the day quickly approaches, I have been reflecting alot througout the last few days, as I made her birthday cake and decorated  the house, I smiled and cried all at the same time.  I think the best way to describe crying when happy is kind of like a sun shower, there is warmth and a sweet smell when you stand underneath the gentle rain while your face is kissed by the sun's warmth, its the best way I can describe how I have felt the last couple of days. 

There is nothing I want more, then to see my children grow blessed with health and happiness and the opportunity to acheive every dream that they have, I will always give all that I am to make that happen for them, but I equally feel this over whelming sadness, sadness that time passes much much to fast, and for all that I want to control in life, I can't control that, and I hate it.  I wish I could pause life, because I truly cannot tell you where this year has gone.  I enjoyed every moment of it, but I still think I could have enjoyed more, anytime that I spent on anything other then my baby, now guilts me.  The logical me knows that that would have been impossible, and many of those moments not 100 % devoted to my baby were for myself, for my husband and for my older daughter who are all equally important.  How do you enjoy every moment of every second when you are worried that its never enough? 

I've been back to work now for almost two months, a hard decision  because I felt I was being robbed of such precious time, but thinking bigger picture, the promotion was better for the entire family in the long run and so that I can be one step closer to giving them those opportunities to make dreams come true.  I just wish there was more time, more time to cuddle, more time to sing and dance in the sunshine or sit by the window and watche it rain or snow. 

At the risk of sounding very juvenile, I am a Twilight fan (yes laugh now and get it out) and in one of the books during a wedding scene the groom says as part of his vows, " No measure of time with you will ever be enough, but lets start with forever"  I wish I had forever.  Physical time may pass quickly, but in my heart and in my memory I will always know the sweet smell of my baby, the feel of her hair and the softness of her skin, I will always remember the way she now walks to me with arms wide open and throws herself into my hair, like its a warm safe place to hide (thank you GnR for that wonderful lyric) I will hum or sing softly to myself througout the day "You are my sunshine" because in those moments, when I let my mind and heart take over, time does stand still, and that is my dream  that I wish could come true. 

When I helped my baby blow out her birthday candles this weekend I wished for two things, a lifetime of happiness for her and more time for me.  I still believe dreams come true.

How Does She Do It? Our February Mother

Happy February Everyone!  Last month we celebrated our first spotlight on everyday mothers and how do they do it by honoring a single mother of 3 who was a true inspiration.  This month we spotlight another wonderful and beautiful mother who has recently been diagnosed with thyroid cancer.  We are spotlighting this mother because of her strength and the journey she is about to take fighting this form of cancer, this journey will make her a true warrior and an inspiration to everyone who has ever been faced with the fear of this battle and all of the "What if" scenarios a cancer scare can create in the mind and heart.

Our featured lady is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a dear friend of mine, one of my best.  A couple of years ago this woman told us that she had been going through some tests for thyroid cancer because there was a concern, test came back negative and everything seemed to be ok. 

 Anyone who has ever gone through a cancer scare knows that regardless of the results, it is just that, a true scare.  No one ever wants to have the conversation with their doctor that something might threaten their life, since a threat to a mother's life also becomes a threat to her family who now, regardless of what kind of cancer she has or doesn't have will always have an underlying fear that they will see their loved one suffer and possibly lose the fight. 

Having had my own scare a few years back I know that you go through the day seeing things very differently.  Small things that once seem so trivial are all of a sudden ....more special.  Last week, we all got a message from our girlfriend that said, "Hey guys, just wanted to share some news with you......." and then she disappeared for the day.  Just like our girl! drop the bomb and then no where to be found, a quirk of hers we have come to love.  Indistinctly I cried, I saw the word, and I held my breath and the tears just came.  Selfishly I thought about our girls weekend that we take every year and how that would work this year, then I thought about her little boy who just turned 3, I thought about how she had just started to consider maybe having another baby and now that would be put on hold, I thought about my own children, how terrifying it was to look at them and think "they won't remember me."

With little to no information, I did what any scared stupid person does......I went to Google.  You know how in movies when the person who just had sex in a tent decides to walk through a dark foggy forest in the middle of the night to find out what that noise was?  You sit yelling at the tv, "Why would you go, idiot don't go"  well, that's what the Internet is like when you or someone you love has just told you they have cancer, you are the idiot (minus the sex thing.....or maybe not, hey I'm not judging) and the Internet is the forest and there you go, walking right into a monster called cyberspace that has to much information which ends up being no information, yes the Internet is sometimes an oxymoron.  Because our girl went MIA I just looked up Thyroid Cancer and started reading. 

Now,  according to what I read, if you had to choose a cancer to have, this would be it, if caught early enough before any metastasizing has happened (metastasised is when its spread) it is very treatable and the success rate is very high.  Hopefully you just have the thyroid removed, go on hormone replacement medication and consider yourself as winning the cancer lottery. 

Personally, I don't care what kind of cancer you have been told you have or may have, cancer is cancer, and regardless of the stats and treatments, it is still a fight no one, I would imagine,  wants to go through.  When I was facing my own battle, my Dr. told me the news that I had active cancer cells while my 6 year old was in the room with me, ya, great bed side manner.  My kid was old enough to know the word cancer, having known her grandmother went through breast cancer, she knew enough that cancer can kill, so just like I stopped listening when I heard the word, my kid only heard that word. As I walked out to the car after receiving that news, feeling very numb, we both got into the car, I looked over, she was fighting back tears, I asked her if she was ok, she asked me, "Mommy? are you going to die, the Dr. said you have cancer" 

That conversation was horrible, because no matter what I said to make her feel better, I didn't truly believe, I was so scared, so overwhelmed that I couldn't even think straight.  One of my other girlfriends sent me a message and was like, "how can she tell us that and disappear?, do you think she would want to get together this weekend and......." I figured, and this is where the How Does She Do It part comes into play, or maybe the questions should be, "How is she going to do it? I figured, our friend told us the news because the part of her that needed to form a support and comfort said she had too, but she wasn't necessarily ready to face us because she hadn't truly faced it herself.  I would imagine that with the news being so fresh, she was probably in that stage of acceptance and now lets do what we gotta do from a technical perspective, but emotionally, had not yet faced it.

Because I know Cynthia, I know that she will fight this thing with all she has, that she will fight it without letting down her employer, without letting down her family and friends, that she will seem tough and ok with it all, which is the best attitude to have, accept for when she is alone at any given point of the day and her mind takes over, but we won't know that, she will ache inside when she looks at her little boy and shiver at the thought of not seeing him grow up, even though she tells herself and I truly believe she will recover 100%  Until the cancer is out, she will live with this fear until they tell her its all out.  I know that she will share as much information with us as she can, but will still hold back because giving us all the information would be worrisome, not knowing it, she will be trying to protect us, because she loves us...........and taddaah there is the way she does it, just like our inspiration last month, this month's mother also does it through love.  Love is an undeniable driving force, when we are surrounded by it and give it, our fears and battles seem to be a little less scary and tough. Love may not be able to cure cancer, and in some cases it may feel the fight is harder when you think of all the love you may one day leave, but I would rather know, give and feel love around me during such a fight, then be alone.  No one does it alone, because if we did, lets just say hypothetically do everything alone, would we really be alone?  lol I will let you think that one out.  In the mean time, I am going to think about summer getaways where me and my girls sing our yearly rendition of GnR's Sweet Child o'Mine, I am going to call in a favour to the bigger power, and beg that he make everything ok, and I am going to help my girl any which way I can, because even though I know she can do it without me, I won't let her, they say it takes a village to raise a child, damn right! damn right!

How Would You Like It If......

I should start this post off with a little bit of background, just so you the reader can feel the true Pissed Offness I am feeling. (sorry if offness isn't a word, I'm pretty sure its not) Anywhoo back to the background. 

My husband and I have always taught our children how to communicate through words, after all that is what communication is all about.  We have taught our children to be loving, respectful persons of society, to respect authority, and to treat the people around them the way they would want to be treated.  Unfortunately, this type of parenting is sometimes found to be contradictory by our actual children, especially when we need to explain these values because they have seen other people not behave or treat them the same way.  Such is life, this is the world we live in, and we can only hope that our teachings will grow with them as they do and that those teachings help them to makes sound decisions that will continue to make them good people.

I know alot of times, children will act differently with their parents then they do when mom and dad are not around, I'm not gullible or naive to the notion that although I think I'm smart, there will be times when my children will pull the wool over my eyes, I know this.  But.....and yes there is a but that will get me to my point, I know that my 9 year old is a good kid, shes always done well in school, we've always been told that she carries herself with the out most regard and respect for her teachers and her fellow students.  I can feel confident in saying so because I have tangible evidence of it.  Our daughter's school has an anti-bullying program in place, for the amount of years that that program has been implemented, my daughter has yearly been presented awards for displaying and acting on those program beliefs, this year she was presented an award for exemplifying fairness.  Parent / Teacher interview has to be requested because her teachers tell us they have nothing to discuss because she's good, regardless we push for the interview because we have things to talk about.  Like this issue from today.

I picked up my daughter today after school, and the first thing we do is ask, "How was your day?"  When I asked today she said, "It was good mommy, we did "............this and this, "but one thing that wasn't so good was that I asked Ms. Smith if I could go to the bathroom today, and she said no, and mom I really needed to go, like bad."  So I asked my daughter, with a tinge of surprise in my voice, "Oh, well were you doing something you couldn't stop, did she give you a reason why?"  " Well, she responded, we had just come in from recess like 10 mins before, and she said I should have gone then."  Ok! now before I go off on my parental tangent, yes as an adult I agree, the best use of time should have been for my "9" year old to use her recess time to go to the bathroom, in preparation that if she didn't go now, she may not have an opportunity to go later when there was an urgency, the adult part of my brain knows that sure, that's the responsible thing to do.  But my 9 year old doesn't have an adults brain, were teaching her to grow one, but its not quite there yet.  I'm not sure many children would have the good sense to be proactive and stop playing when their bodies are in no way telling them they have to go pee, usually they go when their brain says go.  Does anyone disagree with that?

Now here's the tangent.  So I told my daughter, "Well, ok I see her point, but still you should have been allowed to go, and the next time that happens, you have Mommy's full permission to say to Ms. Smith, Ok, but if I have an accident, here in class, do we have a plan in place to deal with that?"

 

What!?!?!  am I wrong?  I think its a very fair question to ask.  If the teacher expects my 9 year old to prepare and plan for a bathroom visit during her recess time, when she has no urgency to go, I think its only right that if my daughter is denied access to the bathroom when she does have an urgency, that she be given a mitigation plan as to what happens if she can't hold it and pees at her desk. If we are trying to teach a lesson her of proper use of time and planning then lets teach that lesson, through example, is that not the role of a teacher? to teach? by example.

Please, let me know if you have any suggestions or disagree? Do you think it would be rude or disrespectful of my daughter to ask such a thing?

Once I said this to my daughter she said, "Well Mommy, I thought that, but I didn't say it because I was afraid I would get in trouble and I didn't have your permission to do so, so that's why I am telling you so that if it happens again and I do say that and get in trouble, at least you know".  I responded the way I always do, with the same lesson I have always taught.  Which is this.  My children have our full permission to defend themselves anyway possible, whether its defending themselves, mentally, emotionally or physically, we will always support them and never punish them for defending themselves.  They should never worry that doing so is going to get them in trouble because we will deal with teachers and principals or even parents if we ever have to.  If my child is truly in the wrong,  and has tried to use their defense as an excuse, then that's a different game, but in true defense, they have our full support.  No one is to ever touch them, talk to them or make them feel in a way that is not appropriate or humane, that is how we teach them to treat others and that is what we teach them to demand from the people around them.  Of course they are taught not to seem demanding but to build relationships and set a precedence for what is ok and what isn't. 

I know that for me, as an adult if anyone ever restrained me from using a bathroom that that would be unacceptable, so why is it ok to do that to my child.  Yes I know, some kids are difficult and take advantage, and teachers need to deal with all kinds throughout their day, but come on, really??  What would have happened had my daughter had a accident, not to mention how devastating that would have been to her self esteem given her age and grade, I make this point because in my last teacher conference, I brought up an issue with the teachers review and correction of a test, I disagree with a question she marked right that was wrong, and her defense was that she gave my daughter the mark to boost her self esteem, really, so let me get this right, teach her a lesson by refusing her to go to the bathroom, and if she has an accident she can possibly become the butt of all jokes and tormented by her fellow class mates, teach her that lesson that she needs to plan her bathroom breaks ahead of time, but forget teaching her the lesson that when  an answer is wrong, its actually wrong, but we will let her get by with that one.  Sounds like a great plan to me.  Fellow parents....???? Thoughts?  Please.  Because I'm not sure my pissed offness is letting me see clearly right now.

Our First Everyday Mother of 2012

Back in November of  2011, I wrote a post about an article I had read in Today's parent.  Here's the link to that post if you want a refresher.  Life got very very busy during the holiday season, so much so that this is the first time I have been able to sit down, reflect and actually write anything.  For that I greatly apologize. 

In this short time I have developed a friendship with a woman I have known for years.  We were initially colleagues though never worked directly with each other.  I saw this woman go through all 3 of her pregnancies, and with each one she always looked fabulous.  It wasn't until recently that we have become good friends, finding out that we are very much alike and having proclaimed ourselves soul sisters. 

About 3 years ago this friend of mine became a single mother.  I had heard through other mutual acquaintances about this happening, but having been through that once myself I respected her need for privacy. I knew her well enough to know that she was a fantastic mother, and no matter what was happening in her life, no matter how stressful, she was holding it together. 

This woman has been raising three children pretty much on her own, running a home, dealing with the presence of another woman in her children's lives who just so happens to be the reason her family was torn apart, handling a very successful career with a huge corporate 500 company in which she manages about 40 people and is greatly involved in her children's school community.  I see her in the mornings not just dropping off her kids but helping everyone Else's kids get into school safely. I saw her one morning saying goodbye to her son, they both fisted their hands, bumped fists and let their fingers float in the air, it made me smile.  I also have to mention before I forget, that she looks amazing all the time, even when she's comfy in sweats. 

Throughout the last three years, she has devoted herself to her three children and selflessly put any desires or needs she may have on the side burner as a respectful act to her ex-husband and the institution of marriage.  In her mind, until she is officially divorced she is still a married woman, therefore she respects that.  That is an amazing thing.  I know many may not understand it and even think shes being silly, maybe not moving on, but I don't see it that way. 

When we become mothers, good mothers, we are transformed into the most primal of creatures.  We protect not just physically but emotionally and mentally, even if that means we may lose ourselves giving up the things we need or think we need.  We look at our children and realize we need nothing else but their happiness, so we spread ourselves to the thinnest layer possible, when holes appear we patch them up usually without complaint.  (I need to add that I emphasized good mothers, because the truth is there are some not so good mothers out there, its just the way things are, I think its important that this post puts emphasis on the fact that we are celebrating good mothers, because there is a difference.  Its the world we live in, you don't have to agree with me, trust me I am the biggest rah rah rah cheerleader for mothers, but I ask that you recognize the difference)

What I see when I look at this woman is a strong, intelligent, loving and beautiful woman who approaching her 40th birthday has had more life experience and heartbreak then most people I know.  Sure, alot of people go through such things, she's not the first and she won't be the last, but most people don't deal with such a situation with the grace and elegance this lady had done so.  I believe that one of the greatest lessons you can teach your children is through example, if you project that things will be ok, that things are ok, your children will be ok.  Regardless of the situation,  love is the one fundamental thing that can make things ok, that can give you the strength to push through it.   Early mornings, sleepless nights, all the running around we do to get them here and there, getting the job done either personally or professionally all at the same day is all driven by one fundamental primal emotion........LOVE!

Now, mothers everywhere who may be reading this, please salute this amazing mother who we are celebrating as our first Amazing Mother of 2012, salute her so that your energy may cross through universal platforms, and may touch her in a way that says, "We see how amazing you are, it does not go unnoticed, and we don't know how you do it!"

Johnson & Johnson - Cleaning Their Baby Soaps?

Picture Source: somethingblue2.blogspot.com

When I was in my early 20's I worked as a bartender, I loved my job.  One of my favorite times of day was after the huge lunch rush had died down and the place was empty, you could hear the chatter of the wait staff sitting at the table in the back all waiting for dinner service to start up.  While they were chatting, I was still up front of the house tending to my bar, and it was at this time that I got the bar in order including washing all the glasses that had been used.  As I was waiting one day for a load to go through the washer, I had just placed dish soap into the machine and as I often do I leaned back against the counter and started to read the bottle.  As I was reading I was also drinking from a glass that had been washed with the same soap.  In mid sip of my drink (it was soda) I paused, eyes widened when I read in plain English but in very little text "This product may contain a cancer causing agent"  May? What the hell did they mean may?  and Oh My God, why would they even have to tell you that? Why would they even put that in there?  I had a lot of whys go through my head, but as a 20 something year old with no real cares in the world, I chose never to drink from a restaurant glass again and I casually brought it up every now and again in conversations where I wanted to seem intellectual :) Ahh to be 20 again.  Anyway, it wasn't until many years later when I was now expecting my first baby that this knowledge came back, only this time, I was about to have the biggest care in the world become my responsibility and I no longer just avoided bar glasses, I read every label and looked up every ingredient I wasn't familiar with.  Thanks to my bar tending days I was that much more aware.

It baffles me that in today's world, where we are relentlessly fighting against cancer that there are products on the market that include carcinogens (cancer causing agents) Many of these products are things we apply directly to our skin, and we don't just put it on, we rub it in, shampoo containing carcinogens are rubbed into the scalp, your head!!!!!!!! and people wonder why so many people have cancer. Depending on what products we use, as we shampoo and condition our hair or moisturize our bodies, we may be covering our hair and skin with dibutyl phthalate, one of the family of phthalates which have been found to disrupt the endocrine system, potentially cause liver cancer, and cause reproductive system damage (according to research published in the journal Pediatrics) Does anyone else see a problem with this?

Well apparently, and thankfully, they do, and Johnson & Johnson who is a huge distributor or such products is making changes. It was announced today that after years of pressure from many activists, personal care giant Johnson & Johnson finally reformulated its flagship baby shampoo without the use of formaldehyde-releasing preservatives. (more details here)

Now, on the flip side, I don't want to live my life constantly worried and angst about these things all day everyday, but I do feel that as a consumer, when I spend my money on products that those products should be safe, both in the interim and long term effects.  I don't need my shampoo or soap to suds up to feel clean, the chemical that creates those bubbles although found not to be a carcinogen (according to wikipedia)  is still a chemical, and its usually the second named ingredient on all products which means its one of the most used ingredient in the product, if it doesn't actually do anything other then give the perception that your product is better, then its a lie, you are lying to me as the consumer, you are putting a chemical out there that does nothing and its still a chemical, that I am putting on my body, and I am not OK with that, not being lied to or rubbing chemicals into my body or my children's, sure you say its safe now, and in a few years we find out you were wrong. How about you just remove it all together and its one less bad thing that's out there.  OK I guess my flip side quickly flopped back.

I am so thankful to those activists who have worked on making this happen.  This is a great gesture by J&J to make their products safer, however I'm sure they can do more.   The plan from what I heard is not to change all of the products, right now the focus is on the baby products, which thank goodness because if I have to choose between no more tears or no cancer for my baby, I think I will take a few tears.

This is definitely one to keep on top of.

Everyday Mothers. How Do They Do It?

I read.....alot.  I still enjoy a good book, technology will never replace that for me, in the words of my 8 year old daughter, there is nothing like the smell of a new book.  Over the years with the Internet being the tool it now is, the amount of reading I do has gone beyond numbers, but what has also increased is the disappointment and distaste I feel in some of the material I do read.  Take for example a layout I just read in Today's Parent magazine.  One of their main articles is about Jessica Seinfeld.  I am sure Jessica is a wonderful mother, I would never take that title from anyone, I am especially not going to form a judgemental opinion about someone I don't know, keeping in mind that for all the amazing mothers in the world there are also many who are probably not so great.  This is a discussion that can go on forever.  My judgemental opinion today, if you would like to call it that is actually towards the publication. 

In the article, the magazine shines a light on how Jessica handles being an author and mother of 3 and a wife as well as her contribution to charity.  I agree in giving a cheers to her.  However, and yes the however is coming. It is very easy I would imagine to do anything you want when you are married to someone like Jerry Seinfeld who is worth millions of dollars.  With the financial stability that the Seinfeld's have what opportunity could someone not take advantage of?  How does she do it?  SHE HAS MONEY!  Yes money isn't everything but it sure as hell helps.  Instead of spotlighting someone who has the means to pursue a writing career and charity work because of who they are married to, why not praise the everyday mom?  These are the mothers who really need to share insight as to how they handle family and work and a life of their own.  Ask my girlfriend who is raising 3 children on her own while working full time how she does it? Actually I have two girlfriends in that situation.  Ask my sister in law's best friend who when she was pregnant with twins found out she had terminal cancer, chose to save her children and give them life, while ensuring she lost hers just months after they were born.  Ask the mother who is quickly approaching her return to work from mat leave how she gets through her day looking at her baby and wondering exactly how good the daycare she has found is gong to take care of her baby.  Ask the mother who balances activities for her 2 children, balances the accountability she has to her kids to help them with homework, after she has come home from work at a career, in which she has donated her lunch time to help with a charity,  started dinner, done the homework, gotten the kids washed up for bed and sleeping and then finds time to have meaningful time with her spouse. Ask the mother who balances the families budget pay cheque to pay cheque because she is trying to give her children all the opportunity she never had.

These are the mothers you should be showcasing, these are the mothers who also have dreams of writing books, and doing more to help society but are so far stretched some days they can't even see straight, but they do it everyday because its who they want to be, and most of the time no one even has a clue just how much they have on their plates.

Maybe if you showcased these mothers there would be many more useful books published, because these are the women who have tips and advice that are worth sharing and that the majority of your readers could relate to. Try showcasing a Canadian Mother in your Canadian magazine for goodness sake.   I apologize for sounding like a total bitch but who the fuck cares how Jessica Seinfeld does it? Really,  I don't because if I had her money suddenly everything I did would be important too.

If I had the option to raise my children until they were in full day private schools where the amount of money I was paying that school was ensuring the establishment was held accountable for providing proper teaching, I wouldn't have to spend over an hour each night teaching my daughter things she should have learned in school, but didn't because the teachers really only care about their summers off, unfortunately that is the reality of our public school system.

If I had money to outlast my lifetime and my children's I wouldn't have the stress that comes with paying for daycare which is equivalent to a mortgage payment if not more.  If I had that kind of money I wouldn't have much worries at all, so please forgive me if I don't stand and applaud how Jessica Seinfeld does it?  It's a stupid question, because the answer is in her last name alone.

I would now like to take this opportunity to applaud all of the everyday moms who do it all and don't have a magazine shining a light on them.  So I am going to shine a light on you, because it is you who amazes me,  it is you that I admire and shake my head in amazement, because I know who you are because I am you and you are me.

I would love to hear from all types of mothers who do it all, send me your stories and pictures, your insight and wisdom, and once a month I will randomly, not selectively pick someone and shine a spotlight on you, and the title will be "Your Name! How does she do it?  Because its the everyday mother that I want to get to know, not someone who is so out of my reach, and to whom I would have to pay money to read her book so that I could "Know" how she does it. 

As for Today's Parent, hey everyone has their bad days and makes poor choices, on the most part I enjoy your magazine, but maybe you should take a step back and realign your priorities, that's just my opinion. 

My Promise

Dear Child,

My promise to you - I am your Parent 1st - your friend 2nd.  I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU!  When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult.  You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do! If you don't hate me once in your life - I am not doing my job properly, but you will and than I will know that I am.

With all my Love

Mommy