There is nothing I want more, then to see my children grow blessed with health and happiness and the opportunity to acheive every dream that they have, I will always give all that I am to make that happen for them, but I equally feel this over whelming sadness, sadness that time passes much much to fast, and for all that I want to control in life, I can't control that, and I hate it. I wish I could pause life, because I truly cannot tell you where this year has gone. I enjoyed every moment of it, but I still think I could have enjoyed more, anytime that I spent on anything other then my baby, now guilts me. The logical me knows that that would have been impossible, and many of those moments not 100 % devoted to my baby were for myself, for my husband and for my older daughter who are all equally important. How do you enjoy every moment of every second when you are worried that its never enough?
I've been back to work now for almost two months, a hard decision because I felt I was being robbed of such precious time, but thinking bigger picture, the promotion was better for the entire family in the long run and so that I can be one step closer to giving them those opportunities to make dreams come true. I just wish there was more time, more time to cuddle, more time to sing and dance in the sunshine or sit by the window and watche it rain or snow.
At the risk of sounding very juvenile, I am a Twilight fan (yes laugh now and get it out) and in one of the books during a wedding scene the groom says as part of his vows, " No measure of time with you will ever be enough, but lets start with forever" I wish I had forever. Physical time may pass quickly, but in my heart and in my memory I will always know the sweet smell of my baby, the feel of her hair and the softness of her skin, I will always remember the way she now walks to me with arms wide open and throws herself into my hair, like its a warm safe place to hide (thank you GnR for that wonderful lyric) I will hum or sing softly to myself througout the day "You are my sunshine" because in those moments, when I let my mind and heart take over, time does stand still, and that is my dream that I wish could come true.
When I helped my baby blow out her birthday candles this weekend I wished for two things, a lifetime of happiness for her and more time for me. I still believe dreams come true.
