How Would You Like It If......

I should start this post off with a little bit of background, just so you the reader can feel the true Pissed Offness I am feeling. (sorry if offness isn't a word, I'm pretty sure its not) Anywhoo back to the background. 

My husband and I have always taught our children how to communicate through words, after all that is what communication is all about.  We have taught our children to be loving, respectful persons of society, to respect authority, and to treat the people around them the way they would want to be treated.  Unfortunately, this type of parenting is sometimes found to be contradictory by our actual children, especially when we need to explain these values because they have seen other people not behave or treat them the same way.  Such is life, this is the world we live in, and we can only hope that our teachings will grow with them as they do and that those teachings help them to makes sound decisions that will continue to make them good people.

I know alot of times, children will act differently with their parents then they do when mom and dad are not around, I'm not gullible or naive to the notion that although I think I'm smart, there will be times when my children will pull the wool over my eyes, I know this.  But.....and yes there is a but that will get me to my point, I know that my 9 year old is a good kid, shes always done well in school, we've always been told that she carries herself with the out most regard and respect for her teachers and her fellow students.  I can feel confident in saying so because I have tangible evidence of it.  Our daughter's school has an anti-bullying program in place, for the amount of years that that program has been implemented, my daughter has yearly been presented awards for displaying and acting on those program beliefs, this year she was presented an award for exemplifying fairness.  Parent / Teacher interview has to be requested because her teachers tell us they have nothing to discuss because she's good, regardless we push for the interview because we have things to talk about.  Like this issue from today.

I picked up my daughter today after school, and the first thing we do is ask, "How was your day?"  When I asked today she said, "It was good mommy, we did "............this and this, "but one thing that wasn't so good was that I asked Ms. Smith if I could go to the bathroom today, and she said no, and mom I really needed to go, like bad."  So I asked my daughter, with a tinge of surprise in my voice, "Oh, well were you doing something you couldn't stop, did she give you a reason why?"  " Well, she responded, we had just come in from recess like 10 mins before, and she said I should have gone then."  Ok! now before I go off on my parental tangent, yes as an adult I agree, the best use of time should have been for my "9" year old to use her recess time to go to the bathroom, in preparation that if she didn't go now, she may not have an opportunity to go later when there was an urgency, the adult part of my brain knows that sure, that's the responsible thing to do.  But my 9 year old doesn't have an adults brain, were teaching her to grow one, but its not quite there yet.  I'm not sure many children would have the good sense to be proactive and stop playing when their bodies are in no way telling them they have to go pee, usually they go when their brain says go.  Does anyone disagree with that?

Now here's the tangent.  So I told my daughter, "Well, ok I see her point, but still you should have been allowed to go, and the next time that happens, you have Mommy's full permission to say to Ms. Smith, Ok, but if I have an accident, here in class, do we have a plan in place to deal with that?"

 

What!?!?!  am I wrong?  I think its a very fair question to ask.  If the teacher expects my 9 year old to prepare and plan for a bathroom visit during her recess time, when she has no urgency to go, I think its only right that if my daughter is denied access to the bathroom when she does have an urgency, that she be given a mitigation plan as to what happens if she can't hold it and pees at her desk. If we are trying to teach a lesson her of proper use of time and planning then lets teach that lesson, through example, is that not the role of a teacher? to teach? by example.

Please, let me know if you have any suggestions or disagree? Do you think it would be rude or disrespectful of my daughter to ask such a thing?

Once I said this to my daughter she said, "Well Mommy, I thought that, but I didn't say it because I was afraid I would get in trouble and I didn't have your permission to do so, so that's why I am telling you so that if it happens again and I do say that and get in trouble, at least you know".  I responded the way I always do, with the same lesson I have always taught.  Which is this.  My children have our full permission to defend themselves anyway possible, whether its defending themselves, mentally, emotionally or physically, we will always support them and never punish them for defending themselves.  They should never worry that doing so is going to get them in trouble because we will deal with teachers and principals or even parents if we ever have to.  If my child is truly in the wrong,  and has tried to use their defense as an excuse, then that's a different game, but in true defense, they have our full support.  No one is to ever touch them, talk to them or make them feel in a way that is not appropriate or humane, that is how we teach them to treat others and that is what we teach them to demand from the people around them.  Of course they are taught not to seem demanding but to build relationships and set a precedence for what is ok and what isn't. 

I know that for me, as an adult if anyone ever restrained me from using a bathroom that that would be unacceptable, so why is it ok to do that to my child.  Yes I know, some kids are difficult and take advantage, and teachers need to deal with all kinds throughout their day, but come on, really??  What would have happened had my daughter had a accident, not to mention how devastating that would have been to her self esteem given her age and grade, I make this point because in my last teacher conference, I brought up an issue with the teachers review and correction of a test, I disagree with a question she marked right that was wrong, and her defense was that she gave my daughter the mark to boost her self esteem, really, so let me get this right, teach her a lesson by refusing her to go to the bathroom, and if she has an accident she can possibly become the butt of all jokes and tormented by her fellow class mates, teach her that lesson that she needs to plan her bathroom breaks ahead of time, but forget teaching her the lesson that when  an answer is wrong, its actually wrong, but we will let her get by with that one.  Sounds like a great plan to me.  Fellow parents....???? Thoughts?  Please.  Because I'm not sure my pissed offness is letting me see clearly right now.

Our First Everyday Mother of 2012

Back in November of  2011, I wrote a post about an article I had read in Today's parent.  Here's the link to that post if you want a refresher.  Life got very very busy during the holiday season, so much so that this is the first time I have been able to sit down, reflect and actually write anything.  For that I greatly apologize. 

In this short time I have developed a friendship with a woman I have known for years.  We were initially colleagues though never worked directly with each other.  I saw this woman go through all 3 of her pregnancies, and with each one she always looked fabulous.  It wasn't until recently that we have become good friends, finding out that we are very much alike and having proclaimed ourselves soul sisters. 

About 3 years ago this friend of mine became a single mother.  I had heard through other mutual acquaintances about this happening, but having been through that once myself I respected her need for privacy. I knew her well enough to know that she was a fantastic mother, and no matter what was happening in her life, no matter how stressful, she was holding it together. 

This woman has been raising three children pretty much on her own, running a home, dealing with the presence of another woman in her children's lives who just so happens to be the reason her family was torn apart, handling a very successful career with a huge corporate 500 company in which she manages about 40 people and is greatly involved in her children's school community.  I see her in the mornings not just dropping off her kids but helping everyone Else's kids get into school safely. I saw her one morning saying goodbye to her son, they both fisted their hands, bumped fists and let their fingers float in the air, it made me smile.  I also have to mention before I forget, that she looks amazing all the time, even when she's comfy in sweats. 

Throughout the last three years, she has devoted herself to her three children and selflessly put any desires or needs she may have on the side burner as a respectful act to her ex-husband and the institution of marriage.  In her mind, until she is officially divorced she is still a married woman, therefore she respects that.  That is an amazing thing.  I know many may not understand it and even think shes being silly, maybe not moving on, but I don't see it that way. 

When we become mothers, good mothers, we are transformed into the most primal of creatures.  We protect not just physically but emotionally and mentally, even if that means we may lose ourselves giving up the things we need or think we need.  We look at our children and realize we need nothing else but their happiness, so we spread ourselves to the thinnest layer possible, when holes appear we patch them up usually without complaint.  (I need to add that I emphasized good mothers, because the truth is there are some not so good mothers out there, its just the way things are, I think its important that this post puts emphasis on the fact that we are celebrating good mothers, because there is a difference.  Its the world we live in, you don't have to agree with me, trust me I am the biggest rah rah rah cheerleader for mothers, but I ask that you recognize the difference)

What I see when I look at this woman is a strong, intelligent, loving and beautiful woman who approaching her 40th birthday has had more life experience and heartbreak then most people I know.  Sure, alot of people go through such things, she's not the first and she won't be the last, but most people don't deal with such a situation with the grace and elegance this lady had done so.  I believe that one of the greatest lessons you can teach your children is through example, if you project that things will be ok, that things are ok, your children will be ok.  Regardless of the situation,  love is the one fundamental thing that can make things ok, that can give you the strength to push through it.   Early mornings, sleepless nights, all the running around we do to get them here and there, getting the job done either personally or professionally all at the same day is all driven by one fundamental primal emotion........LOVE!

Now, mothers everywhere who may be reading this, please salute this amazing mother who we are celebrating as our first Amazing Mother of 2012, salute her so that your energy may cross through universal platforms, and may touch her in a way that says, "We see how amazing you are, it does not go unnoticed, and we don't know how you do it!"