Celebrating Baby's First Birthday

Tomorrow marks my baby's first birthday.  As the day quickly approaches, I have been reflecting alot througout the last few days, as I made her birthday cake and decorated  the house, I smiled and cried all at the same time.  I think the best way to describe crying when happy is kind of like a sun shower, there is warmth and a sweet smell when you stand underneath the gentle rain while your face is kissed by the sun's warmth, its the best way I can describe how I have felt the last couple of days. 

There is nothing I want more, then to see my children grow blessed with health and happiness and the opportunity to acheive every dream that they have, I will always give all that I am to make that happen for them, but I equally feel this over whelming sadness, sadness that time passes much much to fast, and for all that I want to control in life, I can't control that, and I hate it.  I wish I could pause life, because I truly cannot tell you where this year has gone.  I enjoyed every moment of it, but I still think I could have enjoyed more, anytime that I spent on anything other then my baby, now guilts me.  The logical me knows that that would have been impossible, and many of those moments not 100 % devoted to my baby were for myself, for my husband and for my older daughter who are all equally important.  How do you enjoy every moment of every second when you are worried that its never enough? 

I've been back to work now for almost two months, a hard decision  because I felt I was being robbed of such precious time, but thinking bigger picture, the promotion was better for the entire family in the long run and so that I can be one step closer to giving them those opportunities to make dreams come true.  I just wish there was more time, more time to cuddle, more time to sing and dance in the sunshine or sit by the window and watche it rain or snow. 

At the risk of sounding very juvenile, I am a Twilight fan (yes laugh now and get it out) and in one of the books during a wedding scene the groom says as part of his vows, " No measure of time with you will ever be enough, but lets start with forever"  I wish I had forever.  Physical time may pass quickly, but in my heart and in my memory I will always know the sweet smell of my baby, the feel of her hair and the softness of her skin, I will always remember the way she now walks to me with arms wide open and throws herself into my hair, like its a warm safe place to hide (thank you GnR for that wonderful lyric) I will hum or sing softly to myself througout the day "You are my sunshine" because in those moments, when I let my mind and heart take over, time does stand still, and that is my dream  that I wish could come true. 

When I helped my baby blow out her birthday candles this weekend I wished for two things, a lifetime of happiness for her and more time for me.  I still believe dreams come true.

How Does She Do It? Our February Mother

Happy February Everyone!  Last month we celebrated our first spotlight on everyday mothers and how do they do it by honoring a single mother of 3 who was a true inspiration.  This month we spotlight another wonderful and beautiful mother who has recently been diagnosed with thyroid cancer.  We are spotlighting this mother because of her strength and the journey she is about to take fighting this form of cancer, this journey will make her a true warrior and an inspiration to everyone who has ever been faced with the fear of this battle and all of the "What if" scenarios a cancer scare can create in the mind and heart.

Our featured lady is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a dear friend of mine, one of my best.  A couple of years ago this woman told us that she had been going through some tests for thyroid cancer because there was a concern, test came back negative and everything seemed to be ok. 

 Anyone who has ever gone through a cancer scare knows that regardless of the results, it is just that, a true scare.  No one ever wants to have the conversation with their doctor that something might threaten their life, since a threat to a mother's life also becomes a threat to her family who now, regardless of what kind of cancer she has or doesn't have will always have an underlying fear that they will see their loved one suffer and possibly lose the fight. 

Having had my own scare a few years back I know that you go through the day seeing things very differently.  Small things that once seem so trivial are all of a sudden ....more special.  Last week, we all got a message from our girlfriend that said, "Hey guys, just wanted to share some news with you......." and then she disappeared for the day.  Just like our girl! drop the bomb and then no where to be found, a quirk of hers we have come to love.  Indistinctly I cried, I saw the word, and I held my breath and the tears just came.  Selfishly I thought about our girls weekend that we take every year and how that would work this year, then I thought about her little boy who just turned 3, I thought about how she had just started to consider maybe having another baby and now that would be put on hold, I thought about my own children, how terrifying it was to look at them and think "they won't remember me."

With little to no information, I did what any scared stupid person does......I went to Google.  You know how in movies when the person who just had sex in a tent decides to walk through a dark foggy forest in the middle of the night to find out what that noise was?  You sit yelling at the tv, "Why would you go, idiot don't go"  well, that's what the Internet is like when you or someone you love has just told you they have cancer, you are the idiot (minus the sex thing.....or maybe not, hey I'm not judging) and the Internet is the forest and there you go, walking right into a monster called cyberspace that has to much information which ends up being no information, yes the Internet is sometimes an oxymoron.  Because our girl went MIA I just looked up Thyroid Cancer and started reading. 

Now,  according to what I read, if you had to choose a cancer to have, this would be it, if caught early enough before any metastasizing has happened (metastasised is when its spread) it is very treatable and the success rate is very high.  Hopefully you just have the thyroid removed, go on hormone replacement medication and consider yourself as winning the cancer lottery. 

Personally, I don't care what kind of cancer you have been told you have or may have, cancer is cancer, and regardless of the stats and treatments, it is still a fight no one, I would imagine,  wants to go through.  When I was facing my own battle, my Dr. told me the news that I had active cancer cells while my 6 year old was in the room with me, ya, great bed side manner.  My kid was old enough to know the word cancer, having known her grandmother went through breast cancer, she knew enough that cancer can kill, so just like I stopped listening when I heard the word, my kid only heard that word. As I walked out to the car after receiving that news, feeling very numb, we both got into the car, I looked over, she was fighting back tears, I asked her if she was ok, she asked me, "Mommy? are you going to die, the Dr. said you have cancer" 

That conversation was horrible, because no matter what I said to make her feel better, I didn't truly believe, I was so scared, so overwhelmed that I couldn't even think straight.  One of my other girlfriends sent me a message and was like, "how can she tell us that and disappear?, do you think she would want to get together this weekend and......." I figured, and this is where the How Does She Do It part comes into play, or maybe the questions should be, "How is she going to do it? I figured, our friend told us the news because the part of her that needed to form a support and comfort said she had too, but she wasn't necessarily ready to face us because she hadn't truly faced it herself.  I would imagine that with the news being so fresh, she was probably in that stage of acceptance and now lets do what we gotta do from a technical perspective, but emotionally, had not yet faced it.

Because I know Cynthia, I know that she will fight this thing with all she has, that she will fight it without letting down her employer, without letting down her family and friends, that she will seem tough and ok with it all, which is the best attitude to have, accept for when she is alone at any given point of the day and her mind takes over, but we won't know that, she will ache inside when she looks at her little boy and shiver at the thought of not seeing him grow up, even though she tells herself and I truly believe she will recover 100%  Until the cancer is out, she will live with this fear until they tell her its all out.  I know that she will share as much information with us as she can, but will still hold back because giving us all the information would be worrisome, not knowing it, she will be trying to protect us, because she loves us...........and taddaah there is the way she does it, just like our inspiration last month, this month's mother also does it through love.  Love is an undeniable driving force, when we are surrounded by it and give it, our fears and battles seem to be a little less scary and tough. Love may not be able to cure cancer, and in some cases it may feel the fight is harder when you think of all the love you may one day leave, but I would rather know, give and feel love around me during such a fight, then be alone.  No one does it alone, because if we did, lets just say hypothetically do everything alone, would we really be alone?  lol I will let you think that one out.  In the mean time, I am going to think about summer getaways where me and my girls sing our yearly rendition of GnR's Sweet Child o'Mine, I am going to call in a favour to the bigger power, and beg that he make everything ok, and I am going to help my girl any which way I can, because even though I know she can do it without me, I won't let her, they say it takes a village to raise a child, damn right! damn right!

How Would You Like It If......

I should start this post off with a little bit of background, just so you the reader can feel the true Pissed Offness I am feeling. (sorry if offness isn't a word, I'm pretty sure its not) Anywhoo back to the background. 

My husband and I have always taught our children how to communicate through words, after all that is what communication is all about.  We have taught our children to be loving, respectful persons of society, to respect authority, and to treat the people around them the way they would want to be treated.  Unfortunately, this type of parenting is sometimes found to be contradictory by our actual children, especially when we need to explain these values because they have seen other people not behave or treat them the same way.  Such is life, this is the world we live in, and we can only hope that our teachings will grow with them as they do and that those teachings help them to makes sound decisions that will continue to make them good people.

I know alot of times, children will act differently with their parents then they do when mom and dad are not around, I'm not gullible or naive to the notion that although I think I'm smart, there will be times when my children will pull the wool over my eyes, I know this.  But.....and yes there is a but that will get me to my point, I know that my 9 year old is a good kid, shes always done well in school, we've always been told that she carries herself with the out most regard and respect for her teachers and her fellow students.  I can feel confident in saying so because I have tangible evidence of it.  Our daughter's school has an anti-bullying program in place, for the amount of years that that program has been implemented, my daughter has yearly been presented awards for displaying and acting on those program beliefs, this year she was presented an award for exemplifying fairness.  Parent / Teacher interview has to be requested because her teachers tell us they have nothing to discuss because she's good, regardless we push for the interview because we have things to talk about.  Like this issue from today.

I picked up my daughter today after school, and the first thing we do is ask, "How was your day?"  When I asked today she said, "It was good mommy, we did "............this and this, "but one thing that wasn't so good was that I asked Ms. Smith if I could go to the bathroom today, and she said no, and mom I really needed to go, like bad."  So I asked my daughter, with a tinge of surprise in my voice, "Oh, well were you doing something you couldn't stop, did she give you a reason why?"  " Well, she responded, we had just come in from recess like 10 mins before, and she said I should have gone then."  Ok! now before I go off on my parental tangent, yes as an adult I agree, the best use of time should have been for my "9" year old to use her recess time to go to the bathroom, in preparation that if she didn't go now, she may not have an opportunity to go later when there was an urgency, the adult part of my brain knows that sure, that's the responsible thing to do.  But my 9 year old doesn't have an adults brain, were teaching her to grow one, but its not quite there yet.  I'm not sure many children would have the good sense to be proactive and stop playing when their bodies are in no way telling them they have to go pee, usually they go when their brain says go.  Does anyone disagree with that?

Now here's the tangent.  So I told my daughter, "Well, ok I see her point, but still you should have been allowed to go, and the next time that happens, you have Mommy's full permission to say to Ms. Smith, Ok, but if I have an accident, here in class, do we have a plan in place to deal with that?"

 

What!?!?!  am I wrong?  I think its a very fair question to ask.  If the teacher expects my 9 year old to prepare and plan for a bathroom visit during her recess time, when she has no urgency to go, I think its only right that if my daughter is denied access to the bathroom when she does have an urgency, that she be given a mitigation plan as to what happens if she can't hold it and pees at her desk. If we are trying to teach a lesson her of proper use of time and planning then lets teach that lesson, through example, is that not the role of a teacher? to teach? by example.

Please, let me know if you have any suggestions or disagree? Do you think it would be rude or disrespectful of my daughter to ask such a thing?

Once I said this to my daughter she said, "Well Mommy, I thought that, but I didn't say it because I was afraid I would get in trouble and I didn't have your permission to do so, so that's why I am telling you so that if it happens again and I do say that and get in trouble, at least you know".  I responded the way I always do, with the same lesson I have always taught.  Which is this.  My children have our full permission to defend themselves anyway possible, whether its defending themselves, mentally, emotionally or physically, we will always support them and never punish them for defending themselves.  They should never worry that doing so is going to get them in trouble because we will deal with teachers and principals or even parents if we ever have to.  If my child is truly in the wrong,  and has tried to use their defense as an excuse, then that's a different game, but in true defense, they have our full support.  No one is to ever touch them, talk to them or make them feel in a way that is not appropriate or humane, that is how we teach them to treat others and that is what we teach them to demand from the people around them.  Of course they are taught not to seem demanding but to build relationships and set a precedence for what is ok and what isn't. 

I know that for me, as an adult if anyone ever restrained me from using a bathroom that that would be unacceptable, so why is it ok to do that to my child.  Yes I know, some kids are difficult and take advantage, and teachers need to deal with all kinds throughout their day, but come on, really??  What would have happened had my daughter had a accident, not to mention how devastating that would have been to her self esteem given her age and grade, I make this point because in my last teacher conference, I brought up an issue with the teachers review and correction of a test, I disagree with a question she marked right that was wrong, and her defense was that she gave my daughter the mark to boost her self esteem, really, so let me get this right, teach her a lesson by refusing her to go to the bathroom, and if she has an accident she can possibly become the butt of all jokes and tormented by her fellow class mates, teach her that lesson that she needs to plan her bathroom breaks ahead of time, but forget teaching her the lesson that when  an answer is wrong, its actually wrong, but we will let her get by with that one.  Sounds like a great plan to me.  Fellow parents....???? Thoughts?  Please.  Because I'm not sure my pissed offness is letting me see clearly right now.

Our First Everyday Mother of 2012

Back in November of  2011, I wrote a post about an article I had read in Today's parent.  Here's the link to that post if you want a refresher.  Life got very very busy during the holiday season, so much so that this is the first time I have been able to sit down, reflect and actually write anything.  For that I greatly apologize. 

In this short time I have developed a friendship with a woman I have known for years.  We were initially colleagues though never worked directly with each other.  I saw this woman go through all 3 of her pregnancies, and with each one she always looked fabulous.  It wasn't until recently that we have become good friends, finding out that we are very much alike and having proclaimed ourselves soul sisters. 

About 3 years ago this friend of mine became a single mother.  I had heard through other mutual acquaintances about this happening, but having been through that once myself I respected her need for privacy. I knew her well enough to know that she was a fantastic mother, and no matter what was happening in her life, no matter how stressful, she was holding it together. 

This woman has been raising three children pretty much on her own, running a home, dealing with the presence of another woman in her children's lives who just so happens to be the reason her family was torn apart, handling a very successful career with a huge corporate 500 company in which she manages about 40 people and is greatly involved in her children's school community.  I see her in the mornings not just dropping off her kids but helping everyone Else's kids get into school safely. I saw her one morning saying goodbye to her son, they both fisted their hands, bumped fists and let their fingers float in the air, it made me smile.  I also have to mention before I forget, that she looks amazing all the time, even when she's comfy in sweats. 

Throughout the last three years, she has devoted herself to her three children and selflessly put any desires or needs she may have on the side burner as a respectful act to her ex-husband and the institution of marriage.  In her mind, until she is officially divorced she is still a married woman, therefore she respects that.  That is an amazing thing.  I know many may not understand it and even think shes being silly, maybe not moving on, but I don't see it that way. 

When we become mothers, good mothers, we are transformed into the most primal of creatures.  We protect not just physically but emotionally and mentally, even if that means we may lose ourselves giving up the things we need or think we need.  We look at our children and realize we need nothing else but their happiness, so we spread ourselves to the thinnest layer possible, when holes appear we patch them up usually without complaint.  (I need to add that I emphasized good mothers, because the truth is there are some not so good mothers out there, its just the way things are, I think its important that this post puts emphasis on the fact that we are celebrating good mothers, because there is a difference.  Its the world we live in, you don't have to agree with me, trust me I am the biggest rah rah rah cheerleader for mothers, but I ask that you recognize the difference)

What I see when I look at this woman is a strong, intelligent, loving and beautiful woman who approaching her 40th birthday has had more life experience and heartbreak then most people I know.  Sure, alot of people go through such things, she's not the first and she won't be the last, but most people don't deal with such a situation with the grace and elegance this lady had done so.  I believe that one of the greatest lessons you can teach your children is through example, if you project that things will be ok, that things are ok, your children will be ok.  Regardless of the situation,  love is the one fundamental thing that can make things ok, that can give you the strength to push through it.   Early mornings, sleepless nights, all the running around we do to get them here and there, getting the job done either personally or professionally all at the same day is all driven by one fundamental primal emotion........LOVE!

Now, mothers everywhere who may be reading this, please salute this amazing mother who we are celebrating as our first Amazing Mother of 2012, salute her so that your energy may cross through universal platforms, and may touch her in a way that says, "We see how amazing you are, it does not go unnoticed, and we don't know how you do it!"